Uplifted

As we embark on yet another week, I feel I must reflect on the fabulous one I've just had. I'm not even sure I can fully explain how very uplifted I've been feeling. The past week has just been spiritually brimming.

It began Monday, with that mammoth donation from my grandmother and God's elbow poking me in the ribs, figuratively of course.

Thursday morning I got to talk to a dear, dear friend via Skype and it was fabulous. To the creator of Skype, thank you from my core. Again, so uplifting. This girl I talked to, she's a wise one. Her life truly rests in His palms and she inspires me. Needless to say, it was an incredible way to start my Thursday.

I concluded my Thursday fantastically. Bible study and Cru. Let me just say, I love my Bible study. In all honesty, it's small size was, at one point, quite discouraging. Now a cherish it. I love these girls and the fact that we're getting to know each other by getting to know Him. It's always a relief when a study seems to go well...when it seems like the girls are actually engaged and invigorated by the material. It is made all the better when the foursome walks to Cru together only to listen to a talk directly related to the study, which was the case this Thursday. It was just great. I took more notes in my little red Moleskine journal than I have in quite awhile. I'll share with more specificity later.

Two days later I found myself in a room with a bunch of Maryland seniors talking about life after college (a topic that consumes my thoughts 75% of the time), more specifically, Christian life after college. It was good, in spite of my being completely overwhelmed and a tad jittery. I was soaked with information over the course of our eight hours together and left with an anxiousness that I find is proportional to the nearness of adulthood and my heightened awareness of its proximity.

Then came this unanticipated sense of security. I graduate in little over a month and have no plans past August, but I'm getting the sense that it's actually going to be okay. I'm feeling taken care of and it's remarkably reassuring.

I want so much to keep writing about this right now, but to morning is creeping up on me. Goodnight.

In Bloom

I feel like I'm speaking into some expansive, dark room...or sending bottled messages out upon a great sea. I have no idea if anyone is listening. Perhaps I'm talking to myself. Assuming with hope that there is someone out there, sitting in the stillness of this room (which is actually quite creepy) or floating about among the waves, I intend to keep writing.

My hope is that my thoughts resonate with someone. I am certainly not alone in thinking that this phase of life is pivotal, and therefore both intimidating and exhilarating. There is a persistent pounding in my chest and a knotting of my stomach. The dreaded adulthood is upon me. I am frightened. I am enlivened.

This past week I got a taste of what I might look like with out the constant identity and security of my family. I was introduced to this girl who is actually sort of wonderful. I like her. She is not so different that I felt a piece of me had been lost, but she is awake. She is funny. She can speak. She is part of something great.

I can feel things shifting. As noted by a friend of mine, I am blossoming.

Wendy Darling

I don't really want to grow up.

It wasn't until this morning that I came upon what might be the reason for my lifelong love of Peter Pan. I'm not sure exactly what had me thinking about it. I watched She's Having a Baby last night as I fell asleep...maybe that's what did it. (If you've never seen that movie, I urge you to check it out. The further into my twenties I get, the more relevant it becomes.)

Maybe it's that I've been sick the past few days. I can recall being a little kid, sick in the middle of the night, sitting in my mom's lap in the den watching Disney's original animated Peter Pan...on VHS. Memories such as these make me feel warm and fuzzy.

I'd say "maybe" again, but this is what it probably is. I believe that I've entered what some might call a quarter-life crisis (thank you, John Mayer). It seems I am always thinking about the fact that I am on the verge of a stage of life that is just plain weird. I'm getting ready to graduate from college and it's overwhelming.

This is what I'm anticipating. In an attempt to create my adult, post-college self, I'm going to lose half of the identity I solidified during said college years; I shall bid farewell to all of the structure I've had for 85% of my life; and, oh yeah, an enormous slice of my childhood will be snatched away. Hello, Responsibility, I want my life back.

Let's be honest, most of us aren't really adults in college. We have our mature (responsible) moments, sure, but for many of us, it's still so safe. Maybe I'm wrong, but for me, it's been safe...so safe.

And really good, too. So good.

But it isn't really adulthood.

And that's what's so scary about it all; that's what makes me want to retreat.

So, back to where we began. My knowledge of the tale of Peter Pan is limited by the fact that I've never actually read the book, but here is what I gather from the numerous screen versions I've seen...

Peter Pan was stuck. He's a middle-aged man living in his parents' basement. He's clinging so desperately to his childhood that it's become embarrassing to admit that perhaps growing up wouldn't be so bad after all. And he's missed out, boy, has he missed out.

Yes, Wendy and the Darling boys return home because they miss mom and dad, but they make a compromise in doing so. They have to grow up. The boys are carefree...they have time, but Wendy knows what she faces in returning home. She has to move out of the nursery. She has to become a woman and do womanly things. She can't be a kid anymore...but then I wonder if she really wants to be. My guess is, she doesn't want to get stuck like the boy who won't grow up.

So she grows up, maybe reluctantly, but she does. She has a life...a fictional one, but you get the idea. She makes the most of what she can't actually control. Yes, she waits for Peter's eventual return, but did she really want him to come back? Think about it. Would you?

It might be exciting to revisit to the land of perpetual juvenescence, but, like Wendy, I don't know that I'd go. I'd feel obligated to, of course, that's just part of my personality; I'd hate to let him down. Honestly, though, why go back when you've found something so much better and fuller and richer? Pete's enchanting, sure, but the guy's got no life. He's been so afraid of failing, that he fails; and so afraid of losing, that he's lost.

So, like my fifth Halloween, I'm going to be Wendy Darling.

It's just better this way.